7:26 p.m.: Crazy that Payton Manning won his
last Super Bowl as a "game manager." Stay tuned for my final wrap of
the best and worst Super Bowl ads.
7:16 p.m.: OK, the question at this point is:
What will haunt your dreams more? PuppyMonkeyBaby or the walking intistine?
7:14 a.m.: If you're going to blow $5 million
on an ad, why not include a message about thinking globally about water usage. A
20-toothbrush salute for Colgate.
7:06 p.m.: Someone just emailed me, wondering
why I haven't posted the Key and Peele Square Space ad as one of the best. Um,
because it wasn't one of the best. You be the judge.
6:57 p.m.: Honey, can we get a Walken closet?
The guy with the beige socks has one.
6:54 p.m.: That's more like it Budweiser. Can
we have more strong,
funny, intelligent woman like Helen Mirren in Super Bowl ads?
6:48 p.m.: Love me some Drake, especially when he's
being honest about the evil side of owning an iPhone.
6:39 p.m.: What? Is that Howie Long talking
about toenail fungus? In heaven? Jublia have you no shame? Wait. You're a
toenail fungus ointment. Of course you don't.
6:38 p.m.: We have entered the personal
hygiene phase of the ad buys in the fourth quarter. It's sort of like the last
20 minutes of "Saturday Night Live." Axe body wash. A Schick Hydro
razor ad that looks like an episode of Transformers. Nah, it actually wasn't
that cool. Yawn. Actually, the Axe ad is getting mad love for its depiction of
masculinity on social media.
6:37 p.m.: No Matthew McConaughey Lincoln
ads? Thank God!
6:31 p.m.: Listen, I dig Seal and I love that
the Seahawks' Super Bowl victory spawned a bunch of little 12s nine months
later. But
those Super Bowl Babies ads are basically kids singing about their
parents getting it on. Creepamondo.
6:30 p.m.: Budweiser 'not backing down' in its Super Bowl 50 ad.
Meh.
6:29 p.m.: The biggest trending ad is the Esurance
"Pass It On" cash football. Apparently, people like the
idea of winning $1 million in a national sweepstakes.
6:22 p.m.: Check that, I'll take sheep harmonizing to Queen
over the wiener dogs.
6:18 p.m.: I'll take a heard of Heinz wiener dogs
over that Xifaxan walking intestine any day. By the way, in case you're
wondering, Harry Nilsson sang "I Can't Live" before Mariah Carey.
6:12 p.m.: Sorry, Wieden+Kennedy, 10 minutes
later, I still don't get the Anthony Hopkins TurboTax commercial. So, does the
dog represent taxes? Or is it an IRS agent? Am I the only one overthinking this?
6:07 p.m.: Really, Xifaxan? We're eating
here. Who was the genius who spent 5 million bones on CGI of a running
intestine? Grody. And why do I feel like my life is in danger every time I hear
Liam Neeson's voice? Frankly, I'm now afraid to buy an LG TV.
6:02 p.m.: Do we have a new cuteness
champion? PuppyPuppyPuppyPuppy with Doritos beats PuppyMonkeyBaby.
5:47 p.m.: The worst ad so far? My vote: Just
can't get excited about a laundry detergent commercial without a puppy, money,
baby, marmot or Ant-Man in it. Really, Persil, you spent $5 million that?
5:43 p.m.: Alec Baldwin is a national
treasure? That does it: I'm moving to Canada. Amazon Echo, who is Canada's
national treasure. "Canada's national treasure is Nickelback." Oh.
Never mind. Jeep wins the award for best use of vintage photos in a Super Bowl
ad.
5:34 p.m.: Yes, Oregonians, that was Mr. Appliance
from Eugene TV fame in a Taco Bell Super Bowl ad. Alas, it wasn't
part of Taco Bowl's national campaign. Sorry.
5:26 p.m.: The best of many movie trailers so
far:
5:23 p.m.: Thrivent Financial breaks the
no-robots rule (see below). But it works.
5:21 p.m.: Best ads so far: Kevin Hart's
"First Date"; Marmot's marmot; and #BabyMonkeyBaby.
5:19 p.m.: Half time! Let's check in with
that adorable Marmot one more time.
5:10 p.m.: Prius: The official car of dumb
bank robbers. And no, a Prius would not outrun the fuzz.
5:08 p.m.: Since I'm live-blogging about the
Super Bowl ads, I have to take my restroom breaks during the game.
5:07 p.m.: Yeah, this just happened.
4:58 p.m.: Great Coke vs. Marvel ad, Wieden +
Kennedy. Also, I totally think Ant-man would kick Hulk's green derrière, with
or without a soda.
4:54 p.m.: Suddenly, we have a tie for lamest
Super Bowl ad -- and they arrive back-to-back-to-back. The contenders:
WeatherTech, Persil 2-in-1 laundry detergent. Psst! OIC, most of us are trying
to eat our Super Bowl feasts here.
4:46 p.m.: Ok, I'm man enough to admit it: Ryan Reynolds is cute.
4:43 p.m.: I'm pretty sure Kevin Hart and
Hyundai have won the first half of Punt Bowl 2016.
4:36 p.m.: Speaking of singers who should never be asked to sing "The
Star-Spangled Banner" at the Super Bowl.
4:33 p.m.: I used to like Seth Rogen and Amy Schumer -- until about
30 seconds ago.
4:28 p.m.: David Lee Roth may not have been
invited to sing the national anthem, so
he's in an Acura commercial. Actually, why can't Van Halen open the game in
2017?
4:26 p.m.: Never in my life did I think I'd
see floating oxfords, levitating sectional coaches and beluga whales used to
sell a mortgage app. Oh, and don't let your kids play with your smartphone or
they might wind up buying a house with Rocket Mortgage in eight minutes. (Note:
That was my editor's line, not mine. She's funnier than me.)
4:23 p.m.: What! Jason Bourne is coming back?
Sweet!
4:19 p.m.: Didn't laugh once during that
Shock Top ad.
4:18 p.m.: That Advil ad gave me a headache.
Seriously, did Advil really have to buy a Super Bowl ad?
4:17 p.m.: Buick gets clever. The difference
between ODJ and that woman woman who made the leaping catch for the wedding
bouquet: The bride's maid didn't need sticky gloves to "O'Dell it."
4:11 p.m.: What would you rather go camping
with: the Marmot marmot or PuppyMonkeyBaby?
4:09: Maybe it's better that I'm having a
hard time pronouncing "Quesalupa," because I be tempted to run to the
border, Taco Bell drive-thru right now.
4:07 p.m.: Yes, Steve. Apparently, there are
going to be more ads than actual football.
4:05 p.m.: PuppyMonkeyBaby. I can't stop
saying it! Best Super Bowl ad so far.
4:00 p.m.: Bowie music. An aging astronaut
who just wants to return to the moon. So sweet. So ... sniff, that's some
tear-jerking stuff there. Bravo, Audi. Bra-vo. Oh, and Paypal, what's with
requiring America to read for 30 seconds on Super Bowl Sunday?
3:57: Any woman who has given birth probably
isn't a fan of that Doritos ultrasound ad. But Doritos fans will think it's
hilarious. Nice push off, kid.
3:53: After the "The Revenant,"
grizzly bears are apparently on the charm offensive in the new Hyundai ad about
"talk starting" cars. 3:48 p.m.: Hey, I want to feed Scott Baio! (For millennials who were completely
confused by that Mexico Avocado commercial).
3:40 p.m.: What? There's going to be a
"Cloverfield 2"? No one told me I would have to watch trailers for
summer movies. We're still six weeks from spring. It's like when they put
Christmas stuff up at the stores after the Fourth of July. Meanwhile, Intel goes for the
classical-music-as-punk-rock vide to sell ... actually, I'm not sure what Intel
was going for there. It certainly wasn't for 5 million bones. Also, McDonald's be turning that "Good
morning, moon" ad into a children's book to be tucked into Happy Meals?
And I'm glad Esurance has finally replaced that Buster
Posey-in-the-delivery-room ad with a cash football. Hold onto your your kale
smoothie, elevator creeper! Oh, and throw that thing my way, yo!
3:25 p.m.: Hyundai kicks things off with ...
what were those? Engineers with glowing blue hearts with moving pistons? Those
auto engineers should get that checked out by a doctor. And that baby born with an engine heart?
Adorable but creepy. And people are freaking out about #PuppyMonkeyBaby. Just watch, someone will blame this new heart
condition on Obamacare. I do know that was ELO's "When I Was a Boy."
I wish I didn't.
3:15 p.m.: I've visited the newsroom Super
Bowl potluck table not once, but twice. Full on cookies, pie and glorious,
glorious chicken-wing dip, I'm ready to spend the next four hours giving you
play-by-play coverage of the ads. Prepare for laughs, groans and plenty of
"what the ..." I'll be here to comfort, explain and replay. First,
the pre-game.
